why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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