My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
