I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
