I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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