she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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