covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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