K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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