When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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