I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
