Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
