he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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