My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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