I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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