That's when you crack a 10am beer
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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