Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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