Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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