woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize