i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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