I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
