Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize