Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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