I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
