if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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