I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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