Apparently you make a good broom.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize