I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
