I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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