is your mom at the bar?
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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