Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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