the new term for farting is butt boxing.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
