so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
