I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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