Yo dont text me then not text me
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
