the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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