just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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