we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
