Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
