I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
