there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
