i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
