I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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