The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
