I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
