If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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