Don't make out with my wife yet
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
