I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
