There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
