swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
