Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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