I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
