so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
