woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I believe in your delicious
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
