My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
