I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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