the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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