My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
